Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
