Those Words from My Parent That Helped Me when I became a New Father

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth soon proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The simple statement "You are not in a good place. You require support. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While society is now more comfortable discussing the pressure on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a wider reluctance to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It's not a display of weakness to ask for help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to take a respite - going on a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the expression of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "bad actions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, resting, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I think my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."